Forgiveness Costs

When I got resigned from one of my ministries many years ago, it was painful. (Ministers sometimes have the option of resigning or being fired. It can be a difficult decision. In my case the elders agreed to keep the terms of our contract (severance) only if I resigned. If I had made them go through the turmoil of firing me and defending their decision to the church, they threatened to turn us out on the street (violating the terms of our contract). We picked up and moved to the edge of the known universe: Florida.

After living in Tampa for a couple of years, we were going back to our previous town to visit. The drive was moving along uneventfully. We were about halfway through our journey when suddenly I became aware of something that was happening to me. I felt this heat that was rising up inside me from deep down. It was the anger and resentment I felt over the circumstance surrounding my resignation.

I had been away for two years. I had prayed about it. I had said, “I forgive them.” And I thought I had meant it. Why was it rising up inside me with such strength and control? I knew that I would see those people I held responsible for those events. I knew that they would want to shake my hand and act like everything was clean, but I felt violated and angry. I had said I forgive them, but I had not and I didn’t really know how.

Once a friend of mine was talking about the power of forgiveness and he told a story of a girl who had been raped yet was able to speak words of forgiveness to her rapest during his trial. She realized something I did not: That forgiveness is the only way to take control of past hurt. Her perpetrator had power over her for a few minutes – if she had held his violation inside her soul she would have given him power over her for the rest of her life. She regained control over her heart and mind by forgiving her attacker. Further, she had the spiritual depth to actually pull it off, to actually forgive and not just to mouth the words.

Later, at a seminar our church was sponsoring, one of my coworkers began by asking the question, “How do you feel about the church?” I thought to myself, “Well, there are some brothers and sisters I am so thankful for; they have loved me far beyond what I deserve. But there are others that I would rather not set near at worship.” I was thinking, again, about those who had hurt me.

But then the speaker reminded me of something I had not considered: “Christ died for his Church. He gave his life to make us presentable.” That is the essence of forgiveness that someone has to take the “hit” and Christ did that for me. And now he expects me to take the “hit” for others. And how can I have fellowship with him if I reject this fact of forgiveness?

As Dell commented, “forgiveness costs.”